What?

Who would have thought that an animal of this size could instantly kill a human being? And of course we don't even need to mention it has the word "killer" in it's name. This is like the 100th time something like this has happened. Maybe we don't need to watch killer whales anymore. Maybe we don't need to sleep where bears are. Maybe we should stop sticking our hands through the cages at zoos. Maybe we should leave the animals alone...except owls. Oh yes, we are even dumb enough to interview bears.

The world's best bear hug!

Ewwwwwwww.........

Well if you want to waste your time and money go eat at Woody's Family Restaurant in Tuscola. It would be easier if you just ate out of your garbage can. It's free and has the same taste. I miss Dixie.

On a completely different note...

Little midget people are training pitt bulls and made a reality show about it. I feel bad for them. They are pretty much forced int0 this horrible, cruel situation. I am talking of course about the midgets. They have to train pit bulls. How else will they ever have any pride?

Will Winter Ever End?

Old Man Winter is a real butthole.

Quit Flying Planes Into Buildings

Guess who I don't like anymore? Well he's smelly and has a huge chin . . . .that's right, Jay Leno. That's all I am going to say on the matter. My Ma & Pa raised me to be polite.

So anyway I was taking a dump today when I realized that winter may never end. I think we could be stuck here in this frozen tundra forever. Global warming my butt.

Which bike do you think is better?

The toilet bike . . .

Or Pee Wee Herman's bike?

Or . . .

Not Gonna Die

Don't worry, I haven't given up on my blog! We just have a real crappy computer and no money!!!!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Arrrrrg

The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything have become the . . .

PIRATES WHO CAPTURE PEOPLE THEN GET SHOT IN THE PROCESS.

Zzzzzzzz...

I'm so tired I think I'm going to . . . . . . . . fall . . . . . . . . .

Return Of Aunt Flow

Dearest Aunt Flow, It's not you, it's not me

It's just the way you were made

I'm sure it's not easy

So why not have a glass of lemonade?

That last line did not go along with my theme

Because I'm afraid that I'm afraid to say much more

My wife may or mat not read this blog you see

Of course I hesitate before most decisions when Aunt Flow's at the door

I will never know what it's like or what it takes

But just remember, it really sucks to be a guy and have two extremely sensitive testicles dangling between your legs.

Easterness

Easter is right around the corner. Are we ready to celebrate Christ through eggs and candy? Well, whatever your opinions on Easter may be, it definitely means spring is here. Even though it's very windy and rainy outside. I'm feeling a little bit on the warm hearted side today, let's think of ways to use our Easter festivities to benefit other people...

First of all, I suppose we could give all of our used Easter eggs to homeless people. We could even deliver them in baskets. (You're probably like, "Deliver them where?") Sure, they've been on the ground, on dusty shelves and behind couches, passed around by germy handed children, but hey THAT'S WHAT THE SHELL'S FOR!

My family and I are going to start the tradition every year of putting on facial war paint, dancing around a fire in rags chanting the lyrics to "Little Bunny Foo Foo." (Not sure how that benefits people).

Go to the nursing home and start an Easter egg hunt but don't hide any eggs! They'll be searching for hours!

We are going to paint eggs today, it always makes me sad. When I look at the pretty blue egg I think "This could have been a chicken fajita." Brings a tear to my eye.

Enough about Easter, I finally was able to mow this week! I accidentally took my medication 3 times that day.



Actually that video was made last summer. A victory lap if you will bring the season to an end.

Wacka Wacka

Top 10 Ways To Boost The Economy

10). Buy stuff

9). Sell your children to celebrities because they make the best parents and have the most money.

8). Do not give anymore money to banks

7). Force professional sports players to give up one million dollars a year to the good people, they don't deserve it anyway.

6). Buy 20 cars at once

5). Make babies!

4). Flush the toilet twice after every time you use it

3). Eat out every evening

2). Purchase a snuggie!

1). Wear sunscreen

Proof Aliens Are Real

It's on the internet so it must be true!

Props To #13

Ah yes, Millard Fillmore. It is the most amazing and yet, most depressing presidency. Of course, dying at the age of 3 is sad, but a 3 year old becoming president of the United States? Amazing. He looks a lot older than 3 doesn't he? Oh well, amazing none the less. He did some crap with letting part of Texas become Nevada or something like that. Which is good, 'cause less-tex the better. Steers and Queers.

CUT IT OUT!

Take Me Out To The...Well You Can't Take Me Anywhere Because I'm Too Fat

Anytime anyone is ever feeling a little dissatisfied with their physical appearance. . . just take a gander at this fat bastard. Do you think in grade school he wrote, "I want to be the world's fattest man."? So it's basically just a tiny head on top of Jupiter.

He probably had to call in fat to work.

His wife feeds him and baths him. I think we all have a question for her...WHY? I mean he literally lies in bed and craps and she comes and cleans it up. His only disability is being fat. He's not too young, too old, or retarded...nope, just lazy. I think his wife may be the retarded one.

In a documentary on him he said he can eat 27 pork chops in one sitting. And I thought "Uh yeah, I'm mean look at'im."

What's he doin' on a computer? Probably surfin the web for some sort of tube device he can just jam into himself and have a constant stream of food comin' in at all times.

They had to remove the roof of his house and use equipment from Sea World to get him to a hospital.

So don't spend another minute wondering if you should or shouldn't have a snack, just eat. Because you will never ever be as revolting as this guy.

Top 10 Reasons Not To Eat Mexican Food In America

10). Mud - Butt

9). You're the afraid the cook is going to ask you about your truck.

8). You wonder if they're just using the "Employees Must Wash Hands" sign to be facetious.

7). The waitress will probably be a white high school girl.

6). You might panic when they ask you if you want corn or flower tortillas.

5). Now you are really really wondering if they're just using the "Employees Must Wash Hands" sign to be facetious.

4). I mean, criminal records speak for themselves right?

3). They might look at you and then speak Spanish amongst each other, which of course means they're mocking you in the worst way.

2). The skillet cookie is made from lamb.

1). They aren't really strict on the whole "Come with your kids, leave with your kids" policy.

45 Minutes Of Blogging, Forever In A Landfill

So Yahoo! news said that paintings by a two year old (which sold for millions of dollars) are raising suspicions. I'm sure those of you who have kids know that they will draw a squiggly line on a piece of paper, hand it to you, and go make you another one. So, I'd be rich as hell if my kids drawings sold. But the real question here is, who would pay so much for a painting by a two year old? Whoever has spent all this money on these "paintings" deserves to be beaten, starved, forced to watch Big Momma's House, and have all of his money dispersed to the townspeople!

Have you seen the most recent Bigfoot sighting?

That's right! Kathy Bates and Bigfoot are scheduled to be married this summer. We will now know her as Kathy Foot and we'll all try and forget about that horrible scene in "About Schmidt."

Speaking of horrible things, here's proof that Bob and Tom are not funny. You see, I found this old tape of them in my attic proving their lack of talent.

So there you have it, proof that immaturity and sophomoric behavior is no way to ever get people to laugh...

The Weekend

Don't worry everyone I'm back from vacation. We went to see Paris...Ok, I wasn't really on vacation, just too busy to be at the computer. But however, I did make this video from last weekend.

The Song Is Handlebars by The Flobots

Dinosaurs Were Never Real

Now some people say that dinosaurs are real but I think this picture clearly proves that they are not. First of all, all of those different dinosaurs wouldn't be getting along, they'd battle! And is that brown dinosaur breast feeding it's baby? And not to be picky but it looks like that rainbow doesn't fall under "ROY G BIV" standards.

All they've found of these so called "dinosaurs" are bones. Pfffff .... bones, what does that tell us? There once was a large animal, that's all. How do we know that dinosaurs didn't have layers of thick fur? Well, you want a real animal that really exists? How's about LLAMA!

Well, normally I don't like using other people's videos for for my blog but this motorcycle commercial is just too awesome to not let other people see it...

Song on my Mp3 player - "Fire Marengo" by "Bellowhead"

Toad

Calling all cars...

Be on the lookout for AIG bonus package members.

They are considered to be greedy and wealthy.

Ok everyone, let's just get some rest tonight and maybe the economy will be better in the morning?

OOPS!

Well, the kids and I were planning on attacking my wife with a bunch of water balloons. However, I tossed one over my head and it hit her in the face and knocked her shades off...and because I thought it would be a much happier outcome so I filmed it . . .

So what have we learned here today kids? Water balloons can disappoint someone if not handled properly. That advice could save your life someday.

But hey on the bright side, look who's riding his bike by himself!

This Is What It'd Look Like If I Owned A Store

Well, the dog came through his surgery Ok.

He doesn't have balls and he's alive so I guess the vet did alright.

He wasn't himself though couple days after it'd happened.

Still No Word From Hardee's!

Those Cowards!