Take Me Out To The...Well You Can't Take Me Anywhere Because I'm Too Fat

Anytime anyone is ever feeling a little dissatisfied with their physical appearance. . . just take a gander at this fat bastard. Do you think in grade school he wrote, "I want to be the world's fattest man."? So it's basically just a tiny head on top of Jupiter.

He probably had to call in fat to work.

His wife feeds him and baths him. I think we all have a question for her...WHY? I mean he literally lies in bed and craps and she comes and cleans it up. His only disability is being fat. He's not too young, too old, or retarded...nope, just lazy. I think his wife may be the retarded one.

In a documentary on him he said he can eat 27 pork chops in one sitting. And I thought "Uh yeah, I'm mean look at'im."

What's he doin' on a computer? Probably surfin the web for some sort of tube device he can just jam into himself and have a constant stream of food comin' in at all times.

They had to remove the roof of his house and use equipment from Sea World to get him to a hospital.

So don't spend another minute wondering if you should or shouldn't have a snack, just eat. Because you will never ever be as revolting as this guy.

Top 10 Reasons Not To Eat Mexican Food In America

10). Mud - Butt

9). You're the afraid the cook is going to ask you about your truck.

8). You wonder if they're just using the "Employees Must Wash Hands" sign to be facetious.

7). The waitress will probably be a white high school girl.

6). You might panic when they ask you if you want corn or flower tortillas.

5). Now you are really really wondering if they're just using the "Employees Must Wash Hands" sign to be facetious.

4). I mean, criminal records speak for themselves right?

3). They might look at you and then speak Spanish amongst each other, which of course means they're mocking you in the worst way.

2). The skillet cookie is made from lamb.

1). They aren't really strict on the whole "Come with your kids, leave with your kids" policy.

45 Minutes Of Blogging, Forever In A Landfill

So Yahoo! news said that paintings by a two year old (which sold for millions of dollars) are raising suspicions. I'm sure those of you who have kids know that they will draw a squiggly line on a piece of paper, hand it to you, and go make you another one. So, I'd be rich as hell if my kids drawings sold. But the real question here is, who would pay so much for a painting by a two year old? Whoever has spent all this money on these "paintings" deserves to be beaten, starved, forced to watch Big Momma's House, and have all of his money dispersed to the townspeople!

Have you seen the most recent Bigfoot sighting?

That's right! Kathy Bates and Bigfoot are scheduled to be married this summer. We will now know her as Kathy Foot and we'll all try and forget about that horrible scene in "About Schmidt."

Speaking of horrible things, here's proof that Bob and Tom are not funny. You see, I found this old tape of them in my attic proving their lack of talent.

So there you have it, proof that immaturity and sophomoric behavior is no way to ever get people to laugh...

The Weekend

Don't worry everyone I'm back from vacation. We went to see Paris...Ok, I wasn't really on vacation, just too busy to be at the computer. But however, I did make this video from last weekend.

The Song Is Handlebars by The Flobots

Dinosaurs Were Never Real

Now some people say that dinosaurs are real but I think this picture clearly proves that they are not. First of all, all of those different dinosaurs wouldn't be getting along, they'd battle! And is that brown dinosaur breast feeding it's baby? And not to be picky but it looks like that rainbow doesn't fall under "ROY G BIV" standards.

All they've found of these so called "dinosaurs" are bones. Pfffff .... bones, what does that tell us? There once was a large animal, that's all. How do we know that dinosaurs didn't have layers of thick fur? Well, you want a real animal that really exists? How's about LLAMA!

Well, normally I don't like using other people's videos for for my blog but this motorcycle commercial is just too awesome to not let other people see it...

Song on my Mp3 player - "Fire Marengo" by "Bellowhead"

Toad

Calling all cars...

Be on the lookout for AIG bonus package members.

They are considered to be greedy and wealthy.

Ok everyone, let's just get some rest tonight and maybe the economy will be better in the morning?

OOPS!

Well, the kids and I were planning on attacking my wife with a bunch of water balloons. However, I tossed one over my head and it hit her in the face and knocked her shades off...and because I thought it would be a much happier outcome so I filmed it . . .

So what have we learned here today kids? Water balloons can disappoint someone if not handled properly. That advice could save your life someday.

But hey on the bright side, look who's riding his bike by himself!

This Is What It'd Look Like If I Owned A Store

Well, the dog came through his surgery Ok.

He doesn't have balls and he's alive so I guess the vet did alright.

He wasn't himself though couple days after it'd happened.

Still No Word From Hardee's!

Those Cowards!

Goodbye Yellow Dog Balls

Yes it is that time. Our dog, Godzilla will have his balls removed tomorrow between the ours of 7:30am - 4:00pm. It's been weighing heaving on his mind as you can tell . . .

It's ok though because I think it will help him quit doing naughty things to the blanket in the basement. The blanket doesn't really love him, that's just what it thinks love is 'cause it had a rough upbringing at Sears and Godzilla just doesn't know any better. While pricing for this awesome surgery one clinic said 200 bucks in 3 weeks another said 110 bucks tomorrow. So, we're going tomorrow. An Amish man at work said he could do it for free. I've heard of people going to this particular individual before and gave him good recommendations. Then he told me how he does the procedure... cough...

He puts the dog (WHILE AWAKE!) in a shackle like device....

Then I would have to help hold his legs.

He cuts them off with a blade and sprays this non-bleeding chemical on the area.

And thats it.

Oh he also said and this is seriously a direct quote. "Now Jeremy, when you hold the legs you are going to want to hold on tight because once surgery begins he will try to leave the area."

So, we found the money for a vet.

So best wishes to Godzilla, and his nutsack removal tomorrow.

Hey, check it out, Dicks Pharmacy ain't got nothing on me!

Song on my mp3 player right now - Wheels by The Flying Burrito Brothers

Looks Like Rain

Ok, so no word from Hardee's yet. However, I do have other updates...

My anus hurts from wiping too much

My shoulder smells like baby puke

I can't stop eating junk food

The house isn't going to clean itself

There's nothing good on TV during the day

I'm on vacation (I think it's obvious)

Oh and it looks like rain!

That's the update Big Ben, and as always, don't ever take a train up to the second floor.

One Day Pampers Will Rule The World

Remember the other day we discussed how horrible Hardee's commercials are? Well, instead of just sitting around complaining about it I'm really going to e-mail them, it's going to go like this...

To Whom It May Concern:

When I think about breakfast I don't want to see milk released from 5 foot in the air into a bowl of flour sitting on the ground. That is very messy and unnecessary. Who's going to clean that up? Are you going to make my breakfast out of that dirty crap?

The commercial where the dude bakes and all his friends look at him like an ass because "men don't bake." I bake, I'm a dude, what of it? Or are you only trying to apply to those people who don't understand (HOT + FOOD = HOT FOOD)?

Nobody cares if you use Angus beef or not, it's still too expensive.

Your commercials are so manly but your employees are two giggling sophomore girls and one nerd who's face is greasier than the half pound burger.

It saddens me to see a man licking cheese off a cheeseburger wrapper. I'm so glad this is how Hardee's views the American public. Seems like a giant middle finger to me.

SO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT WITH YOUR COMMERCIALS, THEY SUCK!

I will send the letter out...now. If they respond I will paste it to my blog. We'll see...

But Enough About Annoying Commercials...Look Who's Crawling...

The dog food and the stairs. Two places we don't want him of course that's where he wants to travel the most. That's ok, the other two are really good about helping with that kind of thing. But when we have to take something away from him...oh my.

One more thing before we end today's blog . . . don't you think Julia Roberts is sooooo freakin' annoying? Does she have to laugh hysterically in every movie? And do they have to use those scenes to promote the movie so that I'm forced to see them? Food for thought.

We Work Blue.

Well, this is a video I made a year ago. I had it on youtube and everyone liked it but I had to change the music. Apparently it's "illegal" to take the "So You've Had A Bad Day?" song and put it on a video I made. So now here it is, the video that will make you feel better about your bad day. With bran spankin' new (not illegally obtained) music.

Speakin' of bad days...is everyone ready for Monday? Oh don't worry it won't be so bad, it'll be next Monday before you know it! Tee hee hee hee hee MUHAHAHAHAHA!

On the side of my beer is says "Cold as a mountain stream, smooth as it's name." Well first of all it's only as cold as I choose for it to be. And I'm sure some mountain streams are NOT cold. And as for it's name? Busch? Not a very smooth name...there's nothing smooth about an actual bush and of course the name Busch itself isn't lookin' too good these days either. So shame on you beer can!

Throw The Horse Over The Fence Some Hay

I think it's time to discuss which commercials are the worst again...

I think Hardee's is still in the lead for having the most annoying commercials. I still have images of paris hilton rubbing a cheeseburger against her crotch in my memory unfortunately. Then they have that oh so annoying monotone narrator. It's most usually a guy or a girl eating a burger like a pig and getting it all over themselves and being proud of it. And by the way, skinny little blond bimbos are not the people who eat one pound burgers. It's people like this...

That's right, this woman is responsible for the 10 double cheeseburger limit per order! Not that most people would ever want that, but you know they don't put that sign up without a reason. Maybe if Rosie would quit eating at Hardee's her new shows would last more than one episode. Snap. Oh yeah she's mean too.

But, coming in at a strong second would have to be the geico commercials...

I Saw A Blackbird Sitting On The Corn Crib, That Means Early Spring!

Some People Actually Drink This Stuff...

Don't those cans look like poison? As kids they taught us NOT to drink liquids with labels that look like that. Is that irony? Well this man at work drinks a few of these a day and guess what? He comes in late quite a bit from sleeping in, he has moments of horrible ranting followed by sluggishness, and he breaks out in these rashes which we can only assume are caused by the vitamin build up in his system from drinking so much of that crap. Grown men are drinking beverages with skulls and flames on the side of the can. Kids in school can't sleep at night for some strange reason. I think it would be healthier to give kids a small amount of cocaine every day instead of 5 or 6 energy drinks! Plus I think we can all agree, the Redbull commercials are horrible. I'd almost rather drink a Redbull than watch their commercials.

(Put In Your Own Segway Here)

Fellers, don't you hate it when you are on a date or somewhere with a girl and they bring out the book of poetry they have written? Well here is a poem about girls who push their poems on guys.

I'm sorry your braces are tight

I'm sorry your cat got the flu and died

But that's no reason to hide and write

Then share a dark and awkward poem with me tonight

Cough, I have to go to the bathroom...

Out the window...

Time to move (out of state).

Fin.

Wow look at that ugly thing, I can't believe anything could be more hideous that that. Makes me want to throw up, yessir it does. The dog's ugly too.

My tongue is going to hurt all weekend from trying to eat pizza rolls too fast.

The Pill Popper Speaks. . . again.

I think this guy is going to have a massive heart attack soon

I don't think the republicans have a lot of good "poster people" to represent their side. Everyone is dumb or corrupt or ugly or annoying . . . (kind of like the other party?). Well no matter what side you're on, I think we all know the world is going down the crapper. But hey that young republican Doogie Howser looking character seems to have some great ideas . . . they're talking about him being President already and he's only like 28 or something like that.

My son saw steam rise from the dog leavings and began to panic thinking it was on fire. Then a guy at work didn't believe me when I told him I was 25. He insisted that I was older. Well I don't think I look that old do I? Here's a photo from yesterday...

The Monday That Smelled...

So Monday was a total drag. A man came into work drunk and that always makes the day not go as well as it normally would. When you get a drunk guy you get smell, loud, mean, happy, smell, arrogant, mean, smell smell, and tired all in one! Did I mention the smell? It was very cold this morning so that just added to the Monday expierience. (We spend some time outside, we're at one with nature).

This Kitten Ate The Moon-Flower Seeds

Well like the former President I'm not going to finish my. . .

Sharting - To Try And Fart But Instead Poop

Aw poop jokes, they will never get old.

An Amish guy at work always says on his way to crap...

"I have to go drop the kids off a the pool."

Cracks me up every time.
Speaking of Amish, Arthur is getting a Subway!

So I made this sign...

Well Monday's are terrible. So terrible in fact they almost ruin Sunday night. But if it weren't for the work week we would not appreciate weekends at all. AND if I didn't work at all I'd probably be very fat. (But as you can tell from the photo above that is just simply not the case...and I'm talking about the muscle photo above not the Amish one, and if I WERE Amish I wouldn't wear John Lennon shades). Speaking of which, I wonder if they'll have a special sandwich at sub-way just for the Amish... hmmm... let's see...

It would have to have only one slice of bread on the bottom and none on top 'cause they conserve bread that way. When I asked one why they did that he replied "Nobody needs that much bread." Point taken...anyway, the sandwich... Head cheese of course! That's it...just head cheese and bread and maybe some ice tea.

I told the kids to quit putting the dog in the microwave.

Then they let the cat in the liquor cabinet.

Those Kids

I set it so people could comment...and now it's not letting them. So, I dunno, must be friday at Blogger. If you HAVE to get a hold of me it's southerncomfort3969@yahoo.com

Now With REAL Cheese!

Hey Hey Hey....

I don't know if you can tell but I've been hittin' the gym...

So my daughter got in the van after school last week and told me that another girl in her class claims that she will have her period relatively soon. So I asked my daughter, "Does she cry and laugh at the same time?" No, seriously I said, "Well she doesn't know that and any other questions about that stuff please direct them towards your Mother!"

HEY LOOK!

JEREMY'S PADDOCK!

How do babies get poop waaaaaaayyyy up their back? It's like some hideous monster licked them or something. And if it's up their back that of course means it's all over their clothes. However, the experience would not be complete without them putting their hand in it. So do you set his butt down and clean his hands before he wipes them on his face? If you do that the pooped coated back will for sure soil everything in a five foot radius. But if it's on his hands it will for sure wind up somewhere on or in his head. So it's usually best to do the hands in my opinion.

Does A-Rod know he affects creatures too?